Conflict Management 101: Don't Take Feedback Personally

Feedback is essential. Without it we can’t learn new things and make necessary changes.   However, we often don’t view feedback merely as information. Rather, we exaggerate it, make it mean something about our self-worth, and resist it.  We don’t take it as information about how we engage in the world, but rather as an indictment of our very being.

For example, if someone says to me, “I become distracted when you apologize before asking for something,” I can interpret this in several ways. The most helpful choice is to keep the comment in its present context and take it as information about how I distract a person (and possibly others). What many of us tend to do, however, is to generalize the feedback. We might think, “I’m a terrible communicator and I am wimpy, and I lack the courage to say what I want.” Or “What they really mean is that they don’t like me, and they don’t think I am competent.” 

While some of these exaggerations could be true, they are not a truthful interpretation of the initial comment, and they often create defensiveness in ourselves that keeps us from hearing the initial feedback. If our interpretation of feedback condemns our very being, there is little that we can do to change things. If, however we interpret the comment as important information about how we ask for things and how we are perceived, we can use it to make changes that might be helpful. 

As you receive feedback pay attention to how you are spinning it. In general, the less spin the more useful the feedback will be. At our best, we view feedback only as information that could make us more effective.   

Here is another blog we did on how to receive feedback well.

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